Thursday, April 21, 2011

Doubt, fear, weakness & perfection!

So it was SUPER fun to tell some of my closest friends. It made it all seem so real! I have one more that I am DYING to tell but I am kind of thinking it would be more fun to wait until I have a photo to share! Plus, all of our family... can't wait to see their reaction. I LOVE surprises and I just want to blow them away! But then once I told a couple of people I was feeling like, hurry up already, get this baby home! Can't wait to see the sweet face we will call our son! How old will he be? What will his special need be? What part of China will he be from?
It was interesting to see the reactions of our friends. BUT For some reason I am a little nervous about family and friends knowing. It's so silly I know. I went over and over it with Kelly and Hilary. I shared with them my insecurities as a mom and a Christian women. However, My deep love for my children and heart for orphans doesn't necessarily equip me for the day to day tasks of being a mom. Having a willingness to adopt doesn't make the realities of it just fall into place and there in lies my struggle. Can I handle this? Do others think I can handle this? What if he's really sick like L was? How will I leave the other kids for so long when we travel again? What if this process takes forever again? Will I ever sleep 8 hours in a row again? What if I am the oldest mom in his kindergarten class? How will we afford the adoption and a new van to fit us all? What will my other kids think? Will they all get along? What if he doesn't attach or adjust well?
You would think that being the second time around that I would go at it without fear. That
knowing what to expect would give me confidence. But just like every labor and delivery is different every adoption journey is different. AND Satan is on the prowel. He plants these questions in my brain. He doesn't want to see me changed, he doesn't want to see this sweet boy find his forever family, he doesn't want us to step out in faith and see God amaze us once again! Fear keeps poking its way into my thoughts. I keep trying to remind myself when a doubt comes into my mind that not only did I have those same questions every time we added to our family but that they are lies from Satan and GOD is victorious! He is made perfect and glorified in our weakness! So I guess its good to be weak!
DO NOT misunderstand me. I am 100% positive that we are supposed to add to our family again through adoption. I already have a deep love for a little guy who may not even be born yet. What I question is can I be a good mom to all these kids? I question my strength, my ability. I do really try my best but I often fail. When I feel insecure about my own abilities then I worry how I am viewed by others. I hate that! Anyone who has a large family can testify, people say the craziest stuff! Six kids is a lot I totally get that! And I just want to do it well, not just well GREAT! I want to be a GREAT mom! I want to point my children to the Lord and hopefully as a family we can point others to the Lord too. God will not give us more than we can handle and He is the one that created this desire in our hearts so he will get us through.

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