Sunday, April 10, 2011
Only with God! Tears stream down my face as I read my dear husbands blog entries! Its a miracle alone that he is blogging but really GOD did change his heart. The kids and I were sure this was NOT going to happen. So here's how we got to this point from my end. Its long winded though sorry!
My heart was still longing to adopt one more time and I was talking about it a lot. Even with a newborn and four other children to care for I was still thinking about whether or not our family was complete. Was I crazy? I would spend time reading other blogs and living through their experience and dreaming of our next one. This was the first time I had to even consider getting rid of any baby items. Until now Tom and I were on the same page about how many children we wanted. We had actually planned on having one more biological child after L's adoption. But NOW things were different. Tom was not interested in jumping back in again. Much of it was probably due that we were feeling spread thin with the five kids.
One night at dinner one of the kids was talking about the baby brother we were going to adopt, they always talked about it as if it were already decided, a fact, only a matter of time! Tom said sternly but kindly that our family was complete now and there would not be anymore little brothers or sisters. B would be the caboose! That evening Tom and I had a very serious discussion. I needed to know for sure that we were done. I needed to emotionally disengage if this was never going to happen. Tom assured me that he was done, our family was complete. I spent a few days grieving that loss. I completely stopped reading adoption blogs. I started thinking about all the things that I could start packing up and passing on permanently. At first it was really sad to say goodbye to all the cute stuff but as I continued I have to admit that felt a little freeing. Still sad but I forced myself to retrain my brain. Anytime adoption came to mind I would talk myself down and move on.
One morning when I was driving the kids to school the kids were all chatting about the baby brother they were going to have from Korea. (more on that another time) I had to put a stop to this because just like my heart was getting more attached the more I dwelled on it, so was theirs. So I said, "listen guys I really want to adopt again too but dad and I had a long talk and we will not be adopting again. Our family is complete and I don't want you bringing up around dad anymore." They all spoke up asking "WHY?" I had to explain all the practical reasons why it didn't make sense to add to our family. They then gave me some wonderful reasons why we should. Reasons without the cares of the world. No concerns about money, space in our home, crazy schedules, judgements of others or any of the tough stuff. They simply thought about how fun it would be to have a little brother that looked like L and was as fun as she was! They all love babies. They also told me all the reasons that a little baby needed us! Talk about melting my heart. So I told them, "lets leave it up to God. He can do amazing things and if its really in His perfect plan for our family then he can change dad's heart!" And THAT He did!!! I can not wait to tell the kids! It will blow them away and be yet another prove in their lives that GOD ANSWERS PRAYERS!